It's not much of a secret that I've been phoning in this daily blog post thing in November. (What does "phoning it in" really mean, anyway? I mean, I get that it means that you aren't trying very hard, but why the phone? Why is the phone the easy way? What is the hard way?)
For the first time in quite a few years of blogging every day during most Novembers, I am seriously considering giving up. (I think I skipped 2009 when I was in Vietnam and Cambodia, but I did blog every day in 2007, when I was in South Sudan and Kenya for half the month.)
These days, I struggle to get a few paragraphs on the screen before I collapse into bed.
When I came back from the Mitten, I had one entire day of working without the constant burn of anxiety in the bottom of my throat, but it's back now. I worked, again, a flat-out, no-breaks day until I absolutely had to leave if I was going to spend a few minutes at a coworker's birthday drinks before rushing off to jiu jitsu.
I was determined to get my chai, though, since I hadn't had time all day, so I got the chai and then went to the bar, where they told me I wasn't allowed to bring in outside drinks.
I asked the bouncer if I could just put the glass mug I was carrying in my bag if I promised not to drink it inside, and he let me, so I spent the entire time in the bar hiding the mug in my bag while trying to keep the chai from spilling out. It was a little awkward.
I didn't make it to jiu jitsu. I left the birthday shindig just a little too late. Sometimes - more often, lately - other things are more important. Things like having food to eat tomorrow, and things like sleeping.
I might be a little obsessed with sleep. It's all I can think about some days.
Serious question(s): at what point does the depth of my exhaustion become an actual problem? Should it even be possible to be so bone-tired? Does this mean there is something wrong with my body?