I was supposed to be at the airport right now, checking in for a flight to Colombia. I'm not. I am in my apartment, getting ready for bed.
You know how, sometimes, you make a decision that seems absolutely antithetical to everything you've ever wanted, but it's somehow exactly right for you?
That's how I feel about my decision not to go to Colombia. It was such a relief when I decided. Everything in the world suddenly looked right-side up again. I want to go to Colombia ever so much, but this was not the right situation. So after a long weekend of debate, I am, well, still in the Usa.
I felt the same way when I moved to Gone West. I made the decision to move here a whole two days before I left for Southern Sudan. One day I was all geared up to go back to Africa and the next day, just like that, I knew absolutely that I needed to be here in Gone West. And I'd never even been to Gone West. And I didn't think I knew anyone here (I later remembered S., which was lucky, because she has introduced me to so much of the state). And Gone West was the opposite of what I'd always wanted, which was a career in Africa.
Sometimes, it seems, the best thing for me is the opposite of what I thought I wanted. I thought I wanted to travel this week. I thought I needed some travel to stay sane. But I am so very happy to be here, now. I thought I wanted to work in Africa, and I still do, long-term. But I have grown and learned more here than I ever thought possible in a boring Usa city. I am, dare I say it, happy.
This leads me to a side note on happiness. Somehow, in the course of growing up super-Christian, I developed the idea that one was not allowed to be happy. Happiness seemed superficial, somehow. It was all about joy, not happiness. Joy implies that the world may suck, but one is determined to be cheery about it, and so one is. One is joyful, dang-nabbit, because one must be joyful.
I never realized how delightful it could be just to be happy. Not to fight for it, not to be determined about it, but just to be, and the being is happy. I am happy right now. Oh, some days I am sad, some days lonely, some days angry. But overall, I am happy. I like my friends, I like my job, I like my city, I like my life.
I had a drink with a friend a few days ago. This friend had challenged me, a year ago, to go through an entire evening without saying anything negative. This weekend, he told me I was completely different. The word "bubbly" might have even come up. "Wait," I said. "Bubbly? For real? I am not a bubbly person."
"Okay," he said, "maybe just more... effusive."
"I'm just happier," I said. "I'm happy here."
And as it turns out, happy is a really nice thing to be.
You know how, sometimes, you make a decision that seems absolutely antithetical to everything you've ever wanted, but it's somehow exactly right for you?
That's how I feel about my decision not to go to Colombia. It was such a relief when I decided. Everything in the world suddenly looked right-side up again. I want to go to Colombia ever so much, but this was not the right situation. So after a long weekend of debate, I am, well, still in the Usa.
I felt the same way when I moved to Gone West. I made the decision to move here a whole two days before I left for Southern Sudan. One day I was all geared up to go back to Africa and the next day, just like that, I knew absolutely that I needed to be here in Gone West. And I'd never even been to Gone West. And I didn't think I knew anyone here (I later remembered S., which was lucky, because she has introduced me to so much of the state). And Gone West was the opposite of what I'd always wanted, which was a career in Africa.
Sometimes, it seems, the best thing for me is the opposite of what I thought I wanted. I thought I wanted to travel this week. I thought I needed some travel to stay sane. But I am so very happy to be here, now. I thought I wanted to work in Africa, and I still do, long-term. But I have grown and learned more here than I ever thought possible in a boring Usa city. I am, dare I say it, happy.
This leads me to a side note on happiness. Somehow, in the course of growing up super-Christian, I developed the idea that one was not allowed to be happy. Happiness seemed superficial, somehow. It was all about joy, not happiness. Joy implies that the world may suck, but one is determined to be cheery about it, and so one is. One is joyful, dang-nabbit, because one must be joyful.
I never realized how delightful it could be just to be happy. Not to fight for it, not to be determined about it, but just to be, and the being is happy. I am happy right now. Oh, some days I am sad, some days lonely, some days angry. But overall, I am happy. I like my friends, I like my job, I like my city, I like my life.
I had a drink with a friend a few days ago. This friend had challenged me, a year ago, to go through an entire evening without saying anything negative. This weekend, he told me I was completely different. The word "bubbly" might have even come up. "Wait," I said. "Bubbly? For real? I am not a bubbly person."
"Okay," he said, "maybe just more... effusive."
"I'm just happier," I said. "I'm happy here."
And as it turns out, happy is a really nice thing to be.
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