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I'm learning, these few weeks, a lot about the difference between what I need and what I want. This whole semester I've been trying to conserve money. Conserve. Please. I really had no idea what I was talking about regarding conservation until the day I checked my bank balance and realized that I had less money to survive the last six weeks of the semester than I pay per month in rent. Actually, less than half of what I pay per month in rent. And I still owe rent for December and January before I get my next loan check. And I still have medical bills due from those wrist surgeries.

(This all came about, by the way, not so much because I was profligate with my money as that it cost so much to move. I miss the moving in Michigan where some friends and family come with trucks. Here you pay people. And you better tip and tip well or they will be really mad.)

(Also it costs a ridiculous amount to live here, between rent and groceries and utilities and being forced to hire someone to paint back walls that someone else painted. That last item being one I will try not to whine about anymore since everyone has heard the whining.)

Anyway, I'm learning things. I'm learning that I don't need expensive tea or coffee every day. Or even every week. I can make it at home. I don't actually need to eat near school but can go home and eat whatever is in the fridge. Bread and peanut butter? Excellent! It's food. I don't need to buy water. I can reuse the bottle I got for free yesterday. I'm amazed at how little I can manage to spend when I have to spend so little, but I still don't like the feeling of panic when I have to buy, say, contact solution and it costs $8.99 and that is just too much.

Isn't it strange how different it is to want things and not be able to have them here in New York, where they exist and are all around me, than it is to want those same things when they are difficult to get? For example, when I wanted a capuccino in Kibuye, I just dismissed the idea immediately. It didn't even register as a desire because it was so impossible. But here in New York, with a coffee shop on every corner? It feels close to impossible to resist the capuccino. Or new clothes. I got sick of my clothes in Rwanda, but it didn't bother me that much. They were just what I had and there was nowhere to get any others. Here in New York, every day I crave new clothes. I WANT them, I tell you. I want them NOW. They are right there, within reach. But I can't have them.

My cravings were much different in Rwanda or Liberia. I wanted what I could have - a dark chocolate Ritter Sport, an ice cream bar from the petrol station (Rwanda), gelato (Liberia), pizza (Liberia), dal makhni (Rwanda), milk shakes (Tanzania), fried plaintain chips (Liberia), passion fruit juice (Rwanda). Most of those things I don't eat here. I don't even think to eat them here. It doesn't even occur to me to want them, just like it doesn't occur to me in Liberia or Rwanda or Tanzania to want a Thai tea or a spicy black bean burger. My brain just adjusts.

All of this recent serious conservation of money makes me realize how wealthy I really am. I haven't spent much time not buying the things I want in the last few years, except when forced to do so by my geographic location. (Buchanan, Liberia? How about some chicken and rice? Or... chicken and rice? Or... it's Sunday, so no chicken and rice. No anything! All the restaurants are closed! So is the only grocery store!) It's humbling and a bit freeing not to buy the things I want and to keep the money for the things I really need. It's humbling to tell my friend that I can't come out to dinner for her birthday because I literally can't pay for my meal. It's freeing to see what I can do with the ingredients in the fridge. I'm just a touch proud of how long I can make a twenty last in New York these days.

But I don't want to do this forever.

Some people have to.