09 May 2006

to my spammers:

It isn't that I mind that you send me more email per day than I get even from the law school exchange listserve, because your messages are conveniently shuttled off into a junk mail folder that I can conveniently delete, but I do wish that you would at least target your email a tiny little bit better. Let's just be clear on some things that I don't need:
  1. Anything that enlarges, well, boy parts. Because I don't have them, you see. I'm not a boy. Your messages might be better placed elsewhere. And why is this the most common message I get?
  2. Anything that offers me a job in something unspecified but apparently "easy" and involving "good pay." That's what loans are for, after all. If you can't work, borrow. At least while you are getting an overpriced education.
  3. Anything consisting entirely or in part of impotence drugs. See number 1, above.
  4. Anything suggesting a career change that would require me to attend an online, unaccredited for-profit "educational institution" that I've never heard of. As I just mentioned in number 2, above, I am unfathomably mired in debt to our friends at Citibank. There is no turning back from this law school thing and if there were, did you not notice that I already have a degree?
This is the wrong tree up which to be barking. Even if I were stupid enough to click on links in a message oh-so-cleverly disguised by a subject line reading, "Hey, bro, check this out" (bro? BRO? The spammers clearly think I'm a man.) , you can't spell. I know that you are trying to get around the clever little email people inside yahoo and gmail and the law school server, but some basic words need to be spelled correctly in order for me to believe that you are trustworthy. To give you my credit card number, say. And even if you spelled things right, anything right for that matter, I DON'T NEED YOUR STUFF!

So thanks for all the attention. Thanks for your concern about my job and my education and my non-existent boy parts (and their functioning), but, well, you know, I'm breaking up with you.

Now if only you would go away.

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