Off to Africa

so there's this moment, this horrible moment, in which all of the "it's too terrible to think about, but what if?" thoughts become something more like, "it's too terrible to think about, but probably..." and it's really depressing, and then to solace yourself you start thinking about small trips that one might take and you talk to your friend who travels and she says, "I was thinking about going to Iceland in August and renting an SUV and going about frolicking in hot springs and I already have about 10 people on the backpackers' web site who are interested, want to come?" and so maybe it will all be okay. not as good as before, but okay. and then someone else orders fresh direct for you because you don't have a secure wireless connection, and the exam people are incredibly nice about the fact that you have very little use of your hands, and so, well, life goes on.

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edit: and then you get an e-mail saying that you can come and pick up your check for your summer work and then the whole thing starts all over again, because what summer work? no, really, what summer work? and where? unfortunately, the hope tends to start all over again, and that makes it even harder.